Saturday, September 13, 2008

I just intercepted a Tory news release!

Tories pick up big endorsement

Canada’s new, strong, masculine, and ruggedly handsome government today picked up a critical endorsement today from a group who strongly endorses, and follows, Stephen Harper’s leadership practices: The Association of Canadian Bullies.

“We strongly believe in Stephen Harper’s leadership techniques and practices’, said Butch Gorowski, the president of the Association, ‘When we see him slash funding for things like the Court Challenges program, to ensure that minorities and the weak can’t protect themselves, that is something that really speaks to our values and priorities.”

Pollsters say that bullies and related groups like meatheads, and jerks, are crucial demographics to the Conservatives, given that the homophobic, sexist, and uncultured positions of these groups line up strongly with the Conservative platform.

A high-level Tory source smugly said that “With this endorsement, the Conservatives are clearly demonstrated to Canadians that we are reaching out to the ‘asshole’ constituent. While the Liberals under Stéphane Dion want to fund little fairy programs like the Court Challenges program, and fight climate change, we know hard working bullies just want to be left alone by the government and be allowed to pollute, keep their wives in the kitchen, and shove nerds in lockers.”

“When I look at him just attack that little nerd Dion, it reminds me of beating up smaller kids for lunch money, giving them swirlies, and then toping it off by pantsing them in front of the whole class,’ said Gorowski, ‘makes me so nostalgic, nearly brings a tear to my ey…” at this point he was jumped by other members of the ACB for showing actual human emotion.

The endorsement of the Association of Canadian Bullies comes after yesterday’s announcement that the United Polluters of Canada, the Canadian Federation against Culture, and the Canadian Association of Inequality.

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